Me and Panda

This is a very personal thing and I normally wouldn't post this but here's a photo of me as a kid on the ranch on my beautiful Pinto Mare "Panda" she was my life even though nobody really knew it she loved me as much as I loved her. She thought of me as her own kin. I come to tears when I think about her sometimes. She will be greatly missed...


I have typed up a story of my life maybe some of you will understand why I am the way I am and why i do what i do.


I remember when I was a little kid on my parents 32 acre horse ranch, it was the most wonderful place in the world. Trees and hills and wildlife everywhere. We had 8 or more horses and one day my dad brought a new horse to the ranch. She was a black and white pinto mare. She was a retired brood mare and she was very timid and kind. My mom got her for me. I finally had my own horse! It was one of the most happy days of my life!

I was able to ride her around trails and I took care of her. I groomed her and I loved her dearly. She didn't mind me at all when I ran around her and tugged her tail and wrapped my arms around her neck and gave her a big hug or even ran under and around her legs. She was there for me. she was very maternal towards me. She let me clean her and play with her mane. She was always careful not to step on me cause I was always under hoof.

One year dad bred her to our red Arabian stallion Omar and she had a beautiful little colt a 11 months later. We took good care of the colt and he grew up strong and proud. I believe we named him Star Streaker cause he always loved to run around. He was also white and black but more red in the black than panda was. Eventually a couple years later he was big enough and independent enough to go to a new home. This is how things were on the ranch. Dad took in horses we sold horses and we bred horses to our pure blood Arabian stallion. It's how the ranch was able to support itself a bit while dad was working a full time job in a town 45 minutes north of our town. Though we did have a casualty on the ranch. Panda had a beautiful 2nd foal on the ranch but that foal had medical problems. Our vet tried to save him but after a few days he passed away. This was very hard on all of us.
Panda and I enjoyed our years together and we grew very, very close. We were soul mates in a way. It's hard to explain but at times I felt like she was more than just a soul mate, a lot more. Then came a day that I dreaded, a day where my mom sat me down and told me about a young girl who's horse died from an accident or natural causes and she had to use an 4 wheeler to get around her property. She couldn't walk but she could ride and she needed a horse that was good with kids. A week or so of this off and on and i gave in. When i saw the trailer leave the ranch I knew my life and Pandas would change forever. She was everything to me and I felt like I let her down. If I could go back and say no I would but I cant. It killed a part of me deep inside. I was a good kid, a strong hard working kid on a ranch of horses but none of the horses meant as much to me as Panda did.
I remember one day camping out in the barn by her stall in my tent and waking up in the middle of the night listening to the wildlife. I got up and out of my tent and walked over to her stall. She wasn't there. I opened the front gate to the barn and walked out to the other horses who were either standing or wandering around. None came to me, they didn't even pay attention to me. I was alone. After a few minutes I went back to my tent and tried to sleep and eventually did.

To this day this memory haunts me. I know that for 16 years I blocked out the memory and the ranch but just last year It suddenly came flooding back to me like a huge storm cloud. The thing that brought back those hard memories was something that you might find childish or even dumb but the show my little pony friendship is magic is what opened up the floodgates and started changing my life. I started remembering the past again and each time it hurt a little more but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I tried remembering the good times and just the ranch not getting close to the memory that hurt the most. But then about 6 months ago it hit and not only did it hit but it hit hard. I started wearing my country clothes and hat and boots. Years ago I rejected even the sight of jeans and a plaid shirt and wearing boots. I wanted nothing to do with that type of getup. Yet now its becoming a part of me again. I'm listening to country music again I've been trying to find a job on a ranch or any job helping horses.

Now I think the flood gates will never close and I am not afriad to show my feelings on this anymore. Yes I cry, I cry to myself in my room, My heart breaks when I'm typing this. I miss Panda and my life on the ranch. My life has changed and i want it to go back to the way it was. But i know that wont happen, not without some major event that will help me achieve my goal to help my parents financially and help me get some property where I can build a horse rescue center. I will always and forever miss my horse and she will never be forgotten. I will always strive to achieve my goals even if it may seem like an impossibility with how the economy is today. Some how I have to do this, not just for me or for panda but for the horses that need the care, love and attention that i can give them.

This is just a small story from my life, I'm sure some of you can relate to it in some way. Where there's good times and bad times. Since I lost the ranch there have been more bad times than good but I try hold onto what I can in order to survive. We must be strong even though our hearts hurt we have to be strong.